When Laura met Alberto after months of talking on Instagram, sparks flew. They spent the weekend together and he, who lived in another city, promised her he would return in a couple of weeks. The next thing she knew, he had blocked her. It is just an example of ghostingthat is to say, break up a relationship unilaterally and without giving any type of explanation to the other person.
It is an increasingly common practice, partly encouraged by new models of quick relationships from dating apps Tinder or Bumble type. They are not isolated cases. It has not been difficult for me to find stories of ghosting In my close circle and in networks we can find countless cases of all kinds. We have spoken with some victims and a psychologist to better understand the mechanisms behind this widespread phenomenon.
All names have been changed to preserve the anonymity of the participants.
I make ‘chas’ and disappear from your side
Knowing the true magnitude of the problem is complex since there are no clear measurement tools, although there are some studies that have tried to shed some light on the matter. In this study Conducted in the United States, 554 participants with an average age of 32 years were interviewed, of which 25% admitted to having been ghosted for a romantic partner, while about 20% have done it to someone else.
In this other study A sample of 328 people was taken who were using dating apps then. The number of people who had suffered this practice rose to 85%. The percentage of perpetrators also rose to 63%.
This same year it was published a review that analyzed more than a dozen studies about the ghosting. Although it does not mention figures, among its conclusions it states that it is a behavior associated with avoidant attachment styles, poor communication and conflict avoidance.
He ghosting It is quite common in short relationships that arise on dating apps. Ana Martí-Beldaa psychologist specialized in brief strategic therapy, has encountered many cases in consultation and the majority coincide with this pattern. “It is a behavior that is spreading and happens a lot with one-night stands on Tinder, but sometimes it also happens with friendships and long-term relationships,” he says.
“A boyfriend with whom I had been in a relationship for nine months did it to me. He lived in another city so imagine the scenario of not understanding anything, thinking that something had happened to him…” Daniela tells us.
This is what happened to Daniela. “It was done to me by a boyfriend with whom I had been in a relationship for nine months. He lived in another city so imagine the scenario of not understanding anything, thinking that something had happened to him… After a month I managed to get him to answer me but because I kept insisting like crazy. Now it makes me laugh but it was horrible,” she remembers with a laugh.
Something similar also happened to Marta with a four-month-old couple. “The confinement began and he told me that he would come for me to confine us together but he never showed up. I don’t know if it counts as ghosting because a week later he wrote to me to explain that he was still seeing his ex,” she admits. And she is not the only one, there are quite a few cases in which this behavior hide another relationship pre-existing that of course the other person does not know. Sergio went through something similar: “We met a few times, at her house, we went out to party… about a month after we met, she suddenly disappeared. Some time later I found out that she had a boyfriend for years.”
He ghosting It is more common in short relationships and, although less serious, it can also be very painful. There are cases in which the sudden disappearance is preceded by a period of love bombing that leaves the victim completely distraught. “The second day he told me that he had told his mother about me,” Elisa recalls. He confesses to us that he has had several experiences of hookups that suddenly disappear, but this was the one that hurt him the most because, although it was only a short time, he was beginning to fall in love. “It was very intense, one of those who want to squeeze in the hours and take you to see the sunrise on the beach in a romantic way.”
Everything was going well until the boy started to behave differently; He didn’t respond so quickly anymore and it was strange; He told him that he had family problems and they were going to kick him out of the house where he was living. “I tried to help him in rescue mode, one day I even made him a tupperware with 1kg of macaroni,” she says, laughing. They hadn’t known each other for even a month when her lover disappeared without a trace: “It happened from a love bombing very beast to disappear in less than a month and I was left immersed in a bubble of love that I had not asked for and without understanding anything.”
Unsolved questions
For those who disappear it is the easy way, but for those who suffer it it can be a very traumatic experience because prevents emotional closure and has a great impact on your mental health. Rumination about what happened, feelings of guilt and anxiety often occur. “The grief that the victim goes through is worse because they have to close something that was left unfinished. You have many questions left to answer and you are not going to get answers. It is very painful, especially when they are in longer relationships,” Ana tells us.
“The grief that the victim goes through is worse because they have to close something that was left unfinished,” says Ana, a psychologist.
Additionally, you must keep in mind that it is a long process. When someone disappears we don’t immediately think that they won’t come back, It takes a while until we realize of what is happening and that postpones us being able to begin to heal that wound. That feeling of not knowing what is happening “makes us constantly look at the phone to see if it writes, thinking about him or her… it is progressive, sometimes it takes a long time until we accept it,” says Ana.
what they do to you ghosting It is very common, but then that means that there are also many people who do it. Is there a type of person who does ghosting? Ana tells us that the first thing that comes to mind is that he is someone perverse, with narcissistic traits and low empathy. There are cases in which this is the case, but according to his clinical experience, the reality is different: “There has come a point where it is very difficult to distinguish if he is a narcissist or if we all already do it. It has become a learned response to close relationships.”
“It has reached a point where it is very difficult to distinguish if he is a narcissist or if we all already do it. It has become a learned response to close relationships,” says Ana.
The digitalization of relationships has encouraged this phenomenon to become just another way of cutting. Ana compares it to the aggressive driver that we all have inside: “In the car we say atrocious things because you have that protection that the vehicle gives you. ghosting The same thing is happening, we hide behind our phones and allow ourselves to be more empathetic and cold.”
It is not necessary to have a pathology to cut in this cold way, but Ana does see elements of personality or previous experiences that can make us more likely to do ghosting, such as “people who avoid conflict and difficult conversations. It has a lot to do with a lack of communication skills in general.” There are also cases in which it occurs as a defense mechanism: “there are people who are afraid of rejection and prefer to reject in advance.”
He avoidant attachment It is another trait related to the ghostingwhat we commonly call “fear of commitment.” Basically these people see that they are falling in love and feel afraid because they anticipate that they are going to suffer. Ana has treated some cases of this type and assures that “it is usually caused by previous experiences with previous partners. They find themselves unable to bear that pain and run away.”
There is also another type of ghosting that is not born of evil, but of pure procrastination. According to Ana, “they are people who postpone a message and it becomes a ball and the longer they take, the more overwhelmed they become. In the end they end up not answering.” Many times they are messages that ask for explanations or for some conflict.
Gender issue?
In heterosexual relationships, there is a belief or perception that men tend to ghosting further than women, but the figures say that it is quite equal. In this study It was found that 35% of men had done ghostingcompared to 32% of women. However, the percentage of ghosted It was 72% for men and 66% for women.
Ana has treated many cases related to ghosting in consultation and, although he admits that in the past it was more common for this type of behavior to come from men, currently he does not see notable differences between genders “He does not see it as more masculine behavior than feminine, it has become very equal,” he concludes.
He ghosting It is a sudden break, but there is another similar practice that is somewhat gentler and that of course also has its Anglicism to refer to it. It is the caspering and yes, it is named after the ghost in the movie ‘Casper’. Instead of disappearing suddenly, it disappears in a subtle way; It takes longer to respond, it postpones plans… until the other person gets tired and the relationship fades away.
There is also another similar technique called orbiting which consists of cutting off the relationship in person, but remaining present on social networks leaving comments or “little fires,” with the intention of maintaining some contact. And there’s even more: benching when they have you “on the bench”, the breadcrumbing when they give you crumbs of love or the cushioning when someone leaves several fronts open so as not to close doors, due to what may happen.
Cover image | Karola G, Pexels
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