The schedule was very clear: a certain age one was looking for a relationship, lived a more or less long courtship and then (with a ‘yes I want’ through) The couple was going to live together. Today it is no longer about the bride and groom to cohabit before getting married (Many never do), but there are directly couples who do not even consider sharing. They do it starting from such a curious as challenging question for the fee: Do you have the love to bring yes or yes to coexistence?
Is it true that ‘Casado, Casa wants’?
What happened? Than couples They are changing. It is no novelty. Times change and with them society does, Demographybirth, labor opportunities, vital projects, the way of relating and concepts until not so much immovable as marriage or home.
The INE is a good reflection of that transformation. Throughout the last years he has registered the increase of de facto couples and Unipersonal homesthe growing weight of those who They do not live With their ‘loves’ or The descent In the number of links, a phenomenon that arrives accompanied by a delay In weddings. Today the Spaniards married on average with 39.6 years. And the Spanish with 36.9.
Three letters: Til. The term may not sound you, but reflects the reality of many Spanish relations (and other countries). Til are the acronym for Together in Life (“Together in life”), a label that serves to identify those couples that establish a mutual bond and commitment, form a common vital project, make future plans … but do not sleep under the same roof. The first is millimetrically adjusted to the traditional couple pattern. The second, no. Til couples break the fee in a fundamental aspect: coexistence.
“The classic coexistence models are redefining and what a few decades ago could be seen as an exception, now socially accepted,” Explain Ana Domínguez, couples therapist, Welife. “Now they call it Til, but it is true that in consultation we see couples who, for different reasons, do not live together but maintain an affective bond and a deep level of commitment.”
What characterizes them? The details may vary depending on the source that is consulted, but usually the TIL couples are characterized by two key features: the first is that their members do not share a roof; The second, that this lack of coexistence is not the result of a weaker level of commitment than those who wake up, eat and do their routine in the same house.
In fact, often, the lack of prolonged coexistence is not even the result of a decision or a vital plan, but rather a ‘quo’ status established by couples to adapt to certain conditions or needs. And of course that lack of coexistence does not mean that the couple makes decisions for the team in team.
“These types of couples do not choose non -coexistence as a permanent form, but assume it as a transitory or inevitable situation, maintaining a strong emotional connection, mutual support and joint planning of the future,” insists The expert. There is link and there is commitment, but there is a common roof.
Different yes, simple no. Domínguez acknowledges that, as well as coexistence entails their challenges for couples, til relations face their own challenges, such as “the lack of shared daily life.” “Coexistence allows routines, small gestures and day to day, strengthens the connection. By not living together, those spontaneous moments are lost,” The therapist reflects. In fact, to compensate him encouraged to create rituals that can be kept at a distance.
Of course, not everything is challenges. “When they are together, these couples spend quality time and are dedicated to enjoying each other without the disagreements of coexistence undergoing the relationship,” They point to The world From the Center for Psychology Mess Sana, which warns: “When this model of coexistence is not a free choice or born of fear and reserves, the relationship does not last long.”
Another key term: Lat. To understand the phenomenon well we must become familiar with another concept: lat, acronym for Living Apart Together, “Living separate, but together.” The difference Between the til and lat relationships it is subtle and not all The definitions They draw it equally, but it is still important and above all it helps us to understand how relationships are being diversified.
Both realities share a common feature, the lack of coexistence, but they differ in the vital approach of its members. There is who says That in Latin couples the commitment is more flexible, but its main characteristic is that the two parties live with an autonomy to which they do not consider renouncing. Without that, of course, suppose the couple having to break. Coexistence is simply not sought, even if there is nothing external that prevents it.
“We look forward to it”. As an example is always understood that a definition is good to take an eye to the report What a few weeks ago dedicated The Sydney Morning Herald To Latin Couples, relations formed by people who have decided that a romance does not have to derive yes or yes in coexistence.
Among others, its author chatted with Judy Wolff and Alex Ruschanov, who have been without cohabitation for about three decades, except in the occasions in which they have had to take care of each other by convalescences. “Every time we meet is like an event. It’s something we expect with illusion and something beautiful.”
Both are around 70 years. She is a retired library. He a former merchant who shortly before knowing her, about 30 years ago, has just divorced and lived with two children who still went to school. “I remember telling Alex: ‘Look, you’re dating with me, not with my children.’ I wanted that to be apart,” He tells him. She had also shared a roof with an ex -partner for more than a decade, an experience that came out without wanting to repeat.
Love = coexistence? That is the background question in Latin relationships. Its members form a couple, but choose to make their lives in different homes without work, family or other nature that justify it. They live separately because they prefer it. Spot. He Morning concrete That 80% of the more than 1.8 million Australians who in 2019 claimed to have a partner with whom they did not live lived near, less than an hour of travel. In that bag there may be people who by age or the maturity of the relationship are not yet ready to live together, but also more cases such as Alex and Judy’s.
Many have children and do not want to unite family nuclei. Or simply they are not interested in cohabitation. This is the case of Lauren and Jess, two women who have been dating for three years and live at one time away. In their third appointment they talked about what kind of couple they were looking for and They coincided: “Independence was a priority.” Yvette and Ed are another good example: they met in 2021 and married in 2022, but lived several years separate. The reason? They have children of previous marriages and decided that they wanted to merge their two family nuclei.
Why is it important? Beyond their interest as social phenomena, Til and Lat Couples are relevant for their demographic weight and how they can influence other key aspects, such as birth, household formation or even the residential market. After all there is studies who warn of the challenge that supposes for singles Acquire a house or opt for a mortgage.
The first (determining your weight) is complicated. A study Developed by several British institutions, including the University of Essex, he concluded that in general 10% of the United Kingdom people do not live with their partner. In Spain there are those who have also studied the phenomenon and the public inex itself some indicator that suggests a gradual increase of couples who do not live.
Images | Anthony Mapp (UNSPLASH) and The beautiful (Unspash)
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