Maybe it’s time we stopped answering “maybe” to calendar invites

Science has just demonstrated something that we all intuited but no one wanted to admit: when you respond “maybe” to an invitation, You are not being polite. You are being selfish.

A study published in Science Direct and brought by Causes and Chances explains that hosts prefer a firm “no” to an ambiguous “maybe.” The reason is simple: the “maybe” forces them to plan for two simultaneous scenarios:

• Should I reserve a table for five or six?
• Should I buy food for eight or nine?
• Do I leave time for questions from twelve people or eighteen?

That uncertainty is not courtesy. It is a burden that we transfer to others. Those who answer “maybe” operate under a systematic illusion:

• They think they are showing interest, that their indecision is better than rejection.
• But the data shows the opposite: Hosts feel more respected with a “no” than with a “maybe.”

There’s something telling here: we confuse keeping our options open with being thoughtful, when in fact we are exporting our own indecision as a problemoblivious ma. We transfer our problem (I’m afraid of sounding rude, I don’t want to have to choose yet) to the other (how the hell am I going to plan the event if there are 10 yeses and 24 maybes).

The study identifies a classic case of motivated reasoning here:

1. We answer “maybe” because it suits us (we reserve the freedom to decide later).
2. And then we rationalize that selfish decision as if it were what the other person prefers.

It is such a common self-deception that we don’t even notice it. We project our preferences over othersand thus we save ourselves the discomfort of recognizing that we are prioritizing our flexibility over your planning.

The practical implication is clear: if you’re going to answer “maybe,” it better be because you really need time to figure something out, not because you want to wait to see if something better comes along. Not because it’s hard for you to say no.

The “maybe” has a cost that is paid by whoever sends the invitation. The next time we get a calendar invitation, we should ask ourselves if we are being thoughtful or just covering our backs. The answer probably makes us uncomfortable.

In Xataka | This is how I use the calendar to organize my entire life

Featured image | Xataka with Mockuuups Studio