Decades ago, the term narcissism rarely came out of a clinical manual or a psychiatric consultation. Today, you only have to open TikTok to find an army of self-proclaimed experts giving advice on how to identify a narcissist based on cues as vague as a “dead stare” while applying makeup, or warning about “passive aggressiveness.”
We live in the age of couch diagnosis. “Lately ‘being narcissistic’ is one of the most used words on social networks and among conversations among friends,” Sandro Espinosa confirms us in an interview for Xatakapsychologist specialized in therapy focused on emotion and trauma. However, what we use today as a trendy insult to describe a “bad person” or a “selfish ex-boyfriend” is actually far from its original clinical meaning.
According to Espinosa, in classical psychotherapy, the word narcissism does not refer to anything negative. per se. “It is understood as the value we assign to our own image”, a kind of self-concept that we develop throughout life. Virgil Zeigler-Hill, professor cited by New York Timesagrees: the term has become a “general label for a wide range of unpleasant or frustrating behaviors,” losing its scientific nuance.
The era of the psychological “meme”
The leap from the clinic to pop culture has come at a price. For Sandro Espinosa, the popularization of these terms has caused them to be distorted until they lose their psychological connotation, becoming “a meme or a moral label.”
The phenomenon is tempting. As the psychologist explains, we use the label “narcissistic” to define “someone who has hurt me and did not know how to love me.” This offers immediate relief to the alleged victim. Sara Pallarés, psychologist at the Enric Corbera Institute cited by The Vanguardwarns that “it seems to be fashionable” to put this type of labels. “Everyone has a narcissistic partner, a narcissistic father… They all use it to justify their current traumas,” says Pallarés, warning that this position often hides a lack of courage to resolve one’s own issues.
The danger of this mass self-diagnosis is twofold. On the one hand, Espinosa warns about “false positives”: believing that someone has a disorder based on a 60-second video. On the other hand, statistical reality is stubborn: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare. According to data collected by Mayo Clinic, It is estimated to affect only 1% to 2% of the adult population. However, on social media, it seems like we are surrounded.
So why are we so obsessed with labeling the other as a sick monster? The answer, according to experts, has more to do with us than with them. “Seeing the world in black and white will always offer us relief and a feeling of control,” explains Sandro Espinosa. By labeling the other as a narcissist, we turn a complex relationship into “a simple story of a villain and a victim.”
This simplification has a very powerful psychological function: the total moral innocence. Espinosa details that, if the other is “sick” or a “monster”, then “I don’t have to review my relational dynamics.” It cleanses me of guilt and turns the other into an aggressor, allowing me to “continue in the world without the need to engage in healthy self-criticism.”
Psychologist Sara Pallarés poses an uncomfortable question to those who take refuge in this label: “Hey, what do you have to do with this? What responsibility do you have?” According to Pallarés, by blaming exclusively the narcissistic profile, the person loses the opportunity to heal and understand why they ended up in that situation.
Furthermore, there is a phenomenon of mass identification. Espinosa alludes to Forer effect (the same principle that makes us believe in horoscopes): Any vague, emotionally charged description of being a “victim of a narcissist” appeals to us because it offers us a narrative in which we are morally innocent and deserving of care.
Being an “asshole” is not the same as having a disorder.
It is crucial to distinguish between a bad character and a pathology. Sandro Espinosa offers a key to differentiate them: intensity, frequency and duration. “We can all sometimes be selfish, cruel, immature and we don’t have a disorder,” he clarifies.
The psychologist uses a visual metaphor to describe the true structure of narcissistic disorder: imagine a glass sculpture. From the outside, the image is seen as grandiloquent, arrogant and charismatic. But “within that figure, at the core of it, we would see a child who is covering his eyes or ears with his hands, who is ashamed, who feels humiliated.” Grandiosity is just a compensatory mask to cover up unbearable pain.
In the report of New York Times They break down that not all narcissists They are the same. There are subtypes such as grandiose narcissist (safe, status seeking), the vulnerable narcissist (hypersensitive, anxious, defensive) and antagonist (competitive and hostile).
However, a key point is empathy. While in networks it is said that they lack it, mention is made of the concept of “Splenda-type empathy”: an artificial or instrumental empathy. Espinosa agrees and clarifies that, in consultation, it must be distinguished whether the person really feels the pain of the other or if they use empathy instrumentally, “at the service of their need to be desired.”
Furthermore, in Thought Catalog mention specific tactics such as “jealousy induction”, where these profiles deliberately provoke jealousy to gain power and control over the partner. Espinosa adds that, in fact, people with this disorder tend to be “very envious” and that this envy is born from a “defensive rage.”
Far from demonization, experts advocate humanizing the spectrum. “Narcissism is always a dimension. We all have narcissistic traits,” Espinosa recalls. We all sometimes need to be looked at and recognized.
Even those with the diagnosis suffer. In a report by Eldiario.es They collect testimonies from people diagnosed who describe the illness as living in an illusory world to protect oneself from feeling “the worst.” The stigma is such that many hide their diagnosis for fear of being seen as abusers, when they are often vulnerable people who need help managing their emotions.
From the medical portal Mayo Clinic They emphasize that behind that mask ultra-trustworthy, there is extreme fragility in the face of the slightest criticism. Espinosa adds that these people have great difficulty in making real self-criticism because, by doing so, “they quickly connect with their feelings of deep inferiority and then they flee from there.”
The reality behind viral dogmas
Faced with the catastrophic narrative of social networks, science and clinical experience offer a much more nuanced and hopeful vision, denying the idea that we are facing immutable monsters or a generational plague.
One of the most repeated and damaging messages on the internet is that the narcissist “never changes.” Sandro Espinosa is blunt about this: “It is not true. A narcissistic personality disorder can change and has the capacity to return.” This clinical claim is supported by academic research. A meta-analysis published in the Psychological Bulletinwhich examined data from more than 37,000 participants, concluded that narcissism declines normatively across the lifespan, from ages 8 to 77. That is, the natural tendency of human beings as they mature is to become less narcissistic.
It is also not true that we are experiencing an unprecedented “epidemic of narcissism”, fueled by a supposedly egomaniacal youth. Despite the social alarm, a massive study cited by Psychewhich analyzed more than 500,000 people, found no evidence that today’s young people are more narcissistic than those of past generations. In fact, data suggests that antisocial behaviors have decreased and prosocial behaviors have increased. Sandro Espinosa adds that, although social networks and the culture of like They offer us “emotional patches” and a validating perspective where we can take refuge, they are not a factory that creates the disorder by itself; This has much deeper roots in temperament and upbringing.
In the end, the obsession with diagnosing others distracts us from true personal work. Healing does not involve pointing the finger, but rather a much braver look at oneself and human nature.
For the expert, the real change occurs when we stop needing that mask. “I don’t need to grow to stop being insufficient, but I am enough with who I am,” concludes Espinosareminding us that the final goal, both for those who suffer from the disorder and for those who live with it, is to build an identity based on affection and not on constant defense.
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